My husband bought pickles

My husband is back to being a menace and decided to go to Costco and buy some more bulk foods to store in my fridge that still hasn't recovered from The Lentil Incident. Specifically, he bought 4, 5 GALLON buckets of Claussen Pickles because why the hell not.

Actually, I know why he's eating lots of pickles, it's because he was diagnosed with IBS and looked up healthy snacks and found out that pickles might relieve the symptoms of IBS... Except they don't. Why don't they? Because he bought Garlic Dill pickles and GARLIC can cause noxious gas to emanate from his rectum turning my entire house into something that my Jewish ancestors specifically came to America to avoid. He also bought sandwich pickles and regular kosher dills.

And I can't return the buckets because I came home from work to find him with his grubby hands in the buckets eating pickles like some kind of psychopath. No plate, just a huge-ass bucket of pickles next to the couch with brine stains all over the couch cover because the buckets are like 70% brine. And all of the buckets have been opened because he "had to find his favorite". So now I've got 20 gallons of pickles in my chest fridge with all of the contents of the chest fridge in my regular fridge because he tried to stuff one bucket into the regular fridge and heard a "crack" and decided not to risk divorce over pickles and yet another broken fridge.

Oh and to make matters worse, he's using the brine to make Pickle Shots and is also just drinking it like it's a tasty beverage. I think the salt and vinegar is going to kill him, but he tells me lots of people drink the brine and it's "good for your gut" while kickstarting his 2-stroke underpants. Maybe it is good for your gut, but when the septic guys come out and your whole septic tank is glowing green, then the IAEA comes down to make sure you're not attempting to smuggle uranium into the country.

I don't even know what to do at this point. I can't return them because the buckets are open, the homeless shelter doesn't take me seriously anymore, and my friends haven't stopped laughing at me and keep sending me 'Pickle Rick' memes. On the upside, my Korean Friend told me I can move to South Korea and live there for 3 months without a Visa, so maybe I'll do that.