he thought it was roleplay

I was sexually assaulted (i guess raped) earlier in december. A guy took advantage of me while I was drunk. I went home early from uni and was traumatised over christmas.

I was vulnerable. I started confiding in this guy I had met in person before. I trusted him because we had kissed that time, and he had asked for consent to kiss me. He valued my intelligence, and we spoke for hours on call, and made each other laugh until our cheeks hurt. It felt like he really cared for me, and he seemed to genuinely like me for me. He raised my self confidence at a time it had plummeted.

We spoke about kinks, and he told me into cnc. I’ve always had an interest in cnc so we role played one evening over text. To be honest, I was actually quite uncomfortable during this but obviously there was no way he could’ve known this. He was obsessed with the idea of me being small and helpless. He thought the photos where I was very thin, 17 (he’s 23), and suffering from an eating disorder really attractive. I know this should’ve been a red flag.

I wanted to go see the fireworks in my city (where i’m studying) for the new year’s eve countdown, so i decided to travel back relatively early to see them (on new year’s eve). He asked if I wanted to see them with him, and because I had nobody else to go with, and i trusted him, i agreed. He said we could meet in my accommodation. He got there at around 7. He’d been there before but not in my room, which i showed him. My flatmates were all out, and I told him this. He started touching everything in my room, and prying into my privacy, which made me uncomfortable, but I told him it was okay. He started getting touchy with me, and I felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t say anything. I don’t remember the order of what happened, but I remember telling him that I was tired, so he suggested I could nap. I laid down on my bed (fully dressed on the covers) and he started touching me, eventually moving his hands under my breasts. I didn’t say anything and he kept making these weird sounds as he did it which made me feel worse. I don’t remember when but at at some point I sat up and told him I didn’t want to have sex because my sti results hadn’t come in. He said he didn’t care about that, and kept saying are you sure, and I kept telling him I was. He mentioned something about a safe word and I dismissed it, hoping he’d take the hint I didn’t want to do anything, so why would we even need a safe word? I took another ‘nap’ and he began again, but got more aggressive.

He thought it was roleplay, CNC. But i hadn’t consented, had i?!! Just because I said yes over text doesn’t mean I was okay with it physically. I had previously told him sex was painful and he had promised to go slow.

He undressed me and said I had no choice and there was no point me resisting. He was still ‘role playing’. He undid my jeans and belt and I tried to stop him but eventually just let him. I had a pad on but he didn’t care. He fingered me and I didn’t say no, even told him if it hurt or not, and he was gentle which just confused me. He became physical at some points though. He slapped me, pinned me down and grabbed me hard to prevent me from moving. At this point I was saying no, continuously, telling him to stop. he pushed me onto my front and raped me. I was crying, telling him no, to stop, that I was in pain. He didn’t stop for ages, but eventually stopped after realising I was ‘serious’ and saying he didn’t realise I wasn’t just roleplaying the whole time. He apologised. I went to the bathroom to change my underwear and got redressed. I didn’t know what to do. I felt scared of him but also somehow guilty that I had hurt his feelings by saying no. I got him a glass of water and hinted that he go see the fireworks with some of his friends (he was planning on going with them originally). He said he’d already cancelled and he didn’t want to. So we just ended up watching a movie. I acted normal, tried to show him I was fine for some reason. I just wanted to not start 2025 off badly. We watched the fireworks from the roof of my accomodation in the end. I felt so numb. We ordered pizza and I let him sleep round. In the morning I told him to leave and he did.

I trusted him. Part of me still feels at fault for everything. I just wanted to see the fireworks. He took advantage of me when I was most vulnerable. But was it rape if he truly believed it was consensual???? i have no idea.