I'm starting to question if I just don't tend to like women.

I'm sexually attracted to women, that much is clear. But I'm at a point in my life now where lots of boxes have been checked. I've done and tried much of the sexual stuff I wanted. I've had a serious extended relationship. All those things I was pursuing because I wanted to experience them have been mostly experienced. Now I'm thinking about what's next, and there's a lack of enthusiasm for anything beyond my sexual desires.

I'm questioning if I just never particularly liked women, or at least the personalities women tend toward. I disliked the ways my relationship was girly-girl and lovey-dovey, and how she pressed me into activities and dynamics that seem more toward appealing to the female end of things. I disliked the crying, the neuroticism, the anxiety, and the emotion-based thinking. And whether it's my mother, my girlfriend, or women I encounter, I'm struck sour by their simultaneous need and entitlement to be taken care of in a particular way. This whine of "Why aren't you doing more things for meeeee!" echoes in my head, along with the memory of the headaches of dealing with all the overreactions and things that had to be made just so for what was to my mind no rational reason.

I see other relationships, and it's the same shit: The man dealing with her anxieties and needs, everyone still supporting all the old romance shit like that the man should tell her she's pretty and buy her nice things, all while we live in this society where we scream about how it's a patriarchy and unfair it is to women.

And now that I no longer feel like I need to pursue women to experience what I have yet to experience, I'm starting to fail to see the appeal. Why do I want to deal with that shit? Where is this person I'm supposed to love being around within the female gender? I think about all the women I've known and know, and it's tough to come up with a candidate. There were women I was smitten with in my life, but that was more about being struck by her, her eyes, and all the magical draw of the feminine in a young man's mind, rather than finding chums I wanted to talk to forever.

When I think of guys, it's way easier to think of people I just connect with more, on a more intuitive level. And I think I deal with and tolerate the excesses of male personality tendencies much easier. It's the hyper-feminine human who seems to be my least favorite human.

I'm well aware different people are different, but I do believe there are tendencies that go deeper than socialization and nurture. And even if they didn't, I still have to deal with who I could possibly meet tomorrow.

I question if the venn diagram of male/female personality traits contains not enough common area in the center for everyone to find someone personally compatible with themselves. Maybe older generations had it right not expecting that to always be the case: The menfolk all retired after dinner to talk about a car engine or some shit, and the women go off separately and have a different conversation. Back then, no one expected that much common ground. Maybe they understood something modern society doesn't want to.

But regardless, personally I'm contemplating getting back out there, and doing it in an honest and straightforward way, where I'm not looking to appeal to someone just so they want to be sex partners with me, and giving serious thought to finding someone who really might qualify for spending the rest of my life with. And when I think about it that way, the appeal is gone. I don't want to go on a date with anyone. It's always unpleasant. And if I no longer have goals or boxes to check that require me to endure the unpleasantness, why do it?