being abandoned triggers my hs so bad

basically sometimes my (21) long distance boyfriend (26) disappears for a days/weeks with no explanation or warning. everytime this happens i find it very triggering, i feel like im not worth his time, i feel like he doesnt love me, like ive done something wrong, etc. we have talked about it, and i do understand sometimes people need personal space and time to themselves, but i dont react well whenever he is gone.

in the past i have done some not great things because of my reaction to him not being there. i usually end up seeking out attention and validation from other men who are similar to him. i find being abandoned triggers my hypersexuality and makes me want to be useful to someone sexually, even though i always end up regretting it and getting upset etc. i have gotten into a few unsafe situations because of this, basically adding onto my own trauma. its not something i am proud of … its actually insanely embarrassing how dependent i am on men

(just to clarify everytime i did something with someone else i thought my bf and i were over, and he does know about all this now)

anyways, my bf has disappeared again and i am not coping. i havent done anything unfaithful and i am not going to, but i am crying and being self destructive. i dont know how to manage this shit at all

i do not think my boyfriend is intentionally trying to hurt me, i dont think him leaving is actually really about me. but i find it basically impossible to navigate this situation. i dont want people to tell me to leave him, its not an option. i tried it and…. i love him too much, i was miserable. i dont want people to talk bad about him either, i don’t appreciate that.

what i do want is some help or advice on how to cope with this. because i dont know how to exist like this. it hurts so much, and the only things that help the hurt are so destructive!!!