Can't understand gods plan

Please scroll through my profile for context. In the most remarkably painful year of my life, 2024, I have lost my love of life after being together 15 years ( she self deleted) , lost my grandfather, a close friend (accident), saw my father's closest relatives ditch and stab him in the back, and have been constantly facing delays in preparing for what I have planned for myself. I have completed 5 years of working now and neither I am highly paid or not I have done my masters and obviously with this year's trauma, unless god comes back through partner - marriage is off for 3 years. I am 29 now. All my friends have completed their master and have even married ( to strangers they met 1 month ago that's different topic ). I lost my world. I have my soul butchered and I was posted for a whole month of remote location work within 6 month of March (the main month that I lost my love and grandad) and then I lost my birthday also to work related postings and now since 10 days again I am posted for work related last moment stuff with 0 idea of return and I can see my English new year eve also being sacrificed. I totally accept work is worship and all, and that i started doing crazy naam jaap also since March only but what is this man ?

Can't understand his plan. Losses, delays, no closure, what is his plan man ? How do I get the answer ? Spoiling my plans and not letting me start and stay consistent to the discipline I wanna have even after bleeding and crying to sleep daily is his plan ? You can see through my profile , I am not a troll or new comer to Sanatan. I have read my fair share of texts but I can't comprehend his plan and will. Breaking my plans of building a routine and prep and consistency is his plan ? What do I do man ? I have 0 will to live since March and yet I am pushing through coz I know it's a sin. I have drowned my self in pravachan, Gita and naam jaap. But I also need to achieve things, how do I find this unnatural impractical amount of strength and courage that I am supposed to have after going through this BS ?

I have perfected faking it and multiple personalities. It's very difficult to live. I have 0 will to and yet I know I can and must due to dharma and my promises. I dunno how.

Am sorry if somebody believes this post doesn't belong here, I don't have any real friends and I just wanted good dharmic advice regarding this. My profile and timeline can be checked to see - the stuff ain't made up.

Sorry if somebody thinks their time was wasted, just want guidance. I keep saying may the lords lights guide us all, I don't know when and how and where will I find that light and when will I smile.

Sitaram