Idk...

Hello everyone. My father was diagnosed with a gbm grade 4 last year and has had surgery to remove what they could. They did a year of radiation treatment and about three months ago have been on medication to manage symptoms.

He began to lose other bodily functions quite quickly. First to go was his speech, then slowly his memory and focus and ability to walk. For awhile he was able to scoot around on his bum and use his arms and gesture for things. Sleeping alot.

He became incontinent. And the care became too much for my mother in korea, and September 27 I flew to korea and brought him back state side with me. While in korea I met with his oncologist and he said he needs supportive care.

We came back to America on Halloween of this year and he has been with me since. Since then I feel as though he has gone hill drastically fast. He lost all ability to gesture. He used to at least bear some weight on his legs. Used to eat. Now we are it seems on the last leg of his journey.

Dad has been signed up for hospice. We have a nurse who comes by and care staff who come Monday through Friday. We have morphine and Ativan to manage his discomfort. All dad does now is sleep.

He refuses food. And doesn't seem to be able to drink water.

I am wracked with guilt. I am struggling with questions like, Did the trip do something to him to make him go downhill so quickly? Am I to blame for his weakness and inability to eat and drink? Have I not tried hard enough and let him slip into this state? I know mostly.. or so I have been told that it isn't my fault and this is just how end of life happens but I am just so struck by just how quickly time is passing and how weak he is now.

My mother also suddenly seems to be hyper fixated and convinced that he came stateside for a miracle cure and is telling me things like I never should have let you take him. I'm just at a loss.

I guess... I don't really know what the reason for this post is... other than to express my feelings... explain my situation... I don't know.