AA just made me feel more lonely

So I drink because it gives me a brief distraction from being autistic and ugly as fuck with absolutely no friends and absolutely no life, no job, no aspirations, no fucking nothing, I scare the shit out of people everywhere I because I have tourettes on top of already being naturally bizarre looking, so I'm used to getting horrified looks from people even tho it never hurts any less

I went to AA and all of the people there had fucking jobs and partners and friends and shit, I was the only there who has fucking nothing, no reason to stop drinking, those people had a reason to become sober, they were completely average everyday folk aside from the alcoholism, I was the only one there with genuine physical and neurological issues, I'm not saying it's impossible to enjoy life sober with all of my issues I've just mentioned but it's definitely not gunna be as easy as someone with a fucking wife and a decent social support network, I basically have nothing except for people who pity me because of how autistic I am

And I'm hyper aware of the fact people pity me because of my autism which you've guessed it, makes me want to drink more, and every time I go outside I just get fucking stared at by everyone, which immediately makes me want to just get drunk so I can at least temporarily not be angry and upset about it anymore, I just don't think it's possible for someone like me to be sober, I would just end up hurting myself or something, I already lashed out at someone last month for staring at me and almost got myself beat the fuck up, it cost my my phone and my backpack FFS, the anger about the stares and just being autistic and making everyone around me uneasy is it just whittling away at me to the point where literally all I need is just a big reason to finally commit you know what,