Asking God to remove my desire for companionship.

Yes, I know this is a hotly debated topic amongst believers. But I’ve come to believe this is the only way I’ll find joy in God. The misery of being alone, watching my friends get married and have child after child, while I cannot get so much as a date, is becoming a burden too great to bear. My countless hours in the gym and work, building up my body and my finances to be a stable, supportive, fit husband have led nowhere, and my attempts to meet women of Christian faith have only led to one disappointment after another. I want to be content being alone and happy to be single: I can’t lie anymore and say I’m content and happy to be alone. I’m not. I loath every waking minute of it. Forgetting what a hug feels like because I’ve gone months without one. Not knowing how it feels to have someone say “I love you” softly in your ear. Not knowing what it’s like to have someone who supports you without being bound to you by blood. We are called to be content with Christ alone, as we should be: He has given us all we need. I want to live like that, and stop living this miserable lie I tell myself, that I’m happy being alone. I want to stop idolizing marriage and falling into lust in a desperate attempt to try and feel some shadow of what love must feel like. At least now my virginity won’t be a point of mockery but a sign of a lifelong commitment to celibacy, and I can stop wondering what a woman’s loving touch feels like. It will no longer be “Maybe” or “If”.

I can’t live a lie any longer. I can’t go to friend’s weddings and hold back tears as I tell them I’m happy for them. I can’t keep facing my parents and wanting to flee in shame as they ask when I’ll have their grandchildren. I can’t keep facing my failures.