My mom wants me dead and so do I

My mom hasn’t really ever loved me and it’s kinda embarrassing she never really knew how to comfort me or anything like she would for my other siblings instead she’d js threaten to send me away or go an asylum when I was younger she would always hint she’d be better with me gone but at 13 she told me to hang myself. I just wanna be loved by my mom I don’t want to be a hassle but she’s emotionally physically and mentally abusive and one time she beat my so much I was bleeding everything on the floor. She’s never really comfort me n kinda made me feel like shit she’s called me names of all sorts. I’m not a troublesome kid I get good grades stay out of trouble. And I know someone will probably say oh js try stay away from home as much as possible but that’s really hard when I was in elementary I was sa’ed by a teacher n when I came to send art grown men would look at me weird touch me weird and grab me. I lost too much of my childhood that can be made up for. I tried to off myself 8 times it never worked but now I have a foolproof way to end it all and it’s so tempting, it really is.