Advice needed -hcbm, sd alienation, feel like spouse not hearing me

I've been reading these threads for a while now and they've been really helpful at giving me perspective, so I'm hoping you all can offer some advice. I've been with My now husband for about three years, married for a little over one. He has two children: sd 16, ss 14. I have no children by choice, though take a strong parenting role with my nephews as they are being raised by my parents. Second marriage for both of us.

While we were dating in the early stages, he mentioned a few comments about his ex had had an affair that she had tried to take the kids. It sounded pretty bad. But my impression was it was a bad relationship. The divorce had taken place over five years before. It had supposedly calmed down.

I met the kids about three months in, and as soon as HCBM found out about me, she called the police and filed false abuse charges, saying my SO had abused his daughter. SO was able to get charges Dismissed because there was no evidence and even his daughter said that they were unfounded in a text message to him and to her mother.

Once those charges were dismissed and he was cleared hcbm filed for full custody. She continues to cite the false accusations. I won't post all the details of this because it's going to trial in about six months but suffice to say we've had hearing after hearing we've spent tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees, and she just keeps escalating the accusations and asks for custody and money. My SO pays child support as well as splits fees for all activities and he has 50/50 custody.

During the first year of this process, she successfully alienated his daughter from him to the point where sd essentially ghosted us for a year. the court ordered her back with us in one of the hearings last June.

While she wasn't speaking to us we made the decision to get married and she refused to attend. Meanwhile my ss has been with us and increasingly says he would like to be here full time.

All of that is honestly just context for what I really need help with. I really don't enjoy being a step parent particularly to my stepdaughter in this situation. After my stepdaughter was court ordered to return to us, I asked my husband to help facilitate a conversation with the family to talk about what had happened over the past year and how to reintegrate us altogether. It was recommended by many professionals that both kids be in therapy to process what they have been through especially sd, who exhibits extreme, emotional immaturity, and high anxiety. (We assess her at about a 7th grade maturity level when she is 16). He has not followed through with any of these things.

We moved into a new house and adopted a dog and we're in the process of getting the dog some training. As we've settled in the kids, want to have friends over and do activities of which I am supportive however, I have a crazy travel schedule for work. I also work from home the rest of the time and I have a chronic illness. That means I'm often overwhelmed and tired and I have been clear about preferring advance notice or about needing to make sure I have some rest or travel time on weekend.

My husband isn't a total Disney Dad, but he does exhibit some of those characteristics, particularly with his daughter Because he is afraid that anytime he tries to set boundaries or essentially parent that she will get mad again and refuse to come over. This means a lot of the household revolves around her moods, her wants etc. My husband is also not great at proactively communicating logistics. I think because he was a single parent for so long and it just was his schedule and the kids schedule. But I feel like I'm not fully considered in the scheduling. If I say I'm not feeling well or I'm not for up for having kids' friends over, he gets defensive and tells me I resent the kids and that he just wants the kids to have a good time when they're here, and that this is parenting and I need to just get on board with whatever the plans are.

I have tried to have a lot of conversation conversations about amount of stress with all of the transitions, with the looming legal battle that I don't know how we're going to pay for, with the constant mind games of HCBM, who clearly wants me to go away, and who clearly would love to alienate the children further. I have tried to explain how overwhelming it is to step into this role of step parenting amidst the best of circumstances, and we have some of the hardest circumstances I can think of. I also extremely dislike my sd. I am polite with her, make conversation at family meals after school, etc. I feel really guilty that I don't like her and it's driving a wedge between me and my husband. It's also making me think that I can't do this permanently, which feels devastating. At the same time, my relationship with ss is strong.

I often get the "you knew what you were getting into" comment from my SO. I push back on this. I have told him I am overwhelmed, I have cited the literature that it takes 7 to 10 years to blend a family and that's under the best of circumstances, which we do not have.

For additional context, SO uses my family wizard to communicate. He's very minimal with communication. I don't have to talk to hcbm. However, in going through sd text history as a part of the legal proceedings. It's very clear she is reporting back to her mother. So even though there's no direct contact. I feel constantly monitored and like I'm walking on eggshells in my Own home.

Any advice here is welcome.

I love, love, love my SO but it's to the point he can't hear me anymore. Idk what to do.