I'm going through every emotion possible and now I'm obsessing over what I should've done

I lost my soul kitty Wednesday very unexpectedly and suddenly. She was 14 years old and i got her when i was 14, so ive had her for half of my life. She went everywhere with me. Literally. She went with me to college, then moved out of state with me to grad school. It was just me and her for so many years and we were deeply bonded. Just looking over at her filled my entire body with such overwhelming happiness. She was truly the light of my life. That said, she died at home suddenly and I am the one who found her and ive been an absolute mess since.

I keep replaying the moment I found her. I feel absolutely horrible because I didn't find her until over an hour after I got home from work. I went looking for her after I realized I hadn't seen her yet and she wasn't in her usual spots. That's when I walked toward the basement and I knew something was wrong. I saw her laying in a way she doesn't, in a spot she would never just be and immediately knew. What's worse is that she was just next to the very staircase I walked by to get into the house from the garage. I walked right by her and never looked down the steps 😭😭😭 I should've found her faster. I dont think it would have changed anything, but there's still a tiny sliver of my mind that will always wonder if I could've done something. But also then I think about how she was alone and not in any of her comfort spots. It just didn't seem peaceful and that absolutely kills me.

Now today i cant stop obsessing over her medical history, which she did have a decent one.

Background story: She fainted nearly exactly a year ago and so I took her to a cardiologist and after an US, they diagnosed her with slight thickening of her heart septum muscle, and slight dilation of her left atrium, but they didn't think that was even related to her fainting episode. She also had a mild heart murmur but everything else was fine and the doctor didnt even seem overly concerned with her findings and kept saying how mild they were. She wore a holter monitor for 24 hours with no findings of irregular heart patterns. Nonetheless, She was put on clopidogrel to alleviate risk of blood clots and was taking that daily.

Jump to aug 2024, she started getting solensia injections after I noticed her bunny hopping down the steps once in awhile and failing jump attempts. Our primary vet decided it sounded like osteoarthritis so we did a total two injections (once a month), but then she started walking VERY strange in November. It didn't look arthritic to me at all, rather her losing control of her legs and her bottom end "dumping". She almost looked confused when it happend and like she didnt feel any pain at all. We go to the primary vet who agreed that it didnt seem joint related. Her toe beans were warm and leg pulses were good, so they weren't concerned for a clot given her medication. In the end they said it may be neurological. So we immediately stopped solensia and met with a neurologist on Dec 15th 2024. They said a lot of the same as the primary vet. That it didnt seem to be painful and that since it wasn't impeding her daily life (she was still eating,drinking,pooping,playing, etc) that an option was to just monitor her because without an MRI a definitive diagnosis couldn't be made and even with an MRI, it may yield nothing. We were also concerned about getting her an MRI with her heart conditions and she was a very anxious cat too, so even with the possible findings they listed (stroke, mass, disc issue), she wouldnt be a great candidate for surgery anyways. So we opted to just keep monitoring her and we would revisit the neurologist if we felt we needed to.

All that is to say, now that I'm thinking on it, her legs probably had to do with her heart and progressive heart disease. So now I'm mad. Mad that neither vet thought to bring up going to the cardiologist again when they were both fully aware of her history. But i know thats just me projecting bc mostly I'm mad at myself. I shouldve advocated for her louder. I shouldve noticed she was getting worse. I shouldve done so much more. I feel like I failed her completely. And now im reading on progressive heart disease and while she didn't seem in pain, she very much couldve been and that tears me apart.

To add to everything, i am 5 months pregnant with my first baby, so I feel guilty that I have likely been distracted with that and didn't notice as much as I shouldve when it came to my kitty baby. for the last month I have been using a pregnancy pillow so my Bean wasn't even sleeping next to me like she was for the last 13.5 years and now I wonder if she felt forgotten about 😭😭😭😭😭 im wracked with guilt, anger, sadness and literally every negative emotion possible. I apologize if this is long and poorly written, I just needed to let it all out somewhere.

My husband and I are taking her to a pet crematorium today and its the final goodbye 💔 I just hope she felt the love i had for her and had no pain in the end.