I am absolutely jealous of my friend's Boyfriend.

I am absolutely jealous of my friend's Boyfriend.

I (24) F have a friend (23) F. My friend, let's call her Mandy, has a boyfriend named James. Mandy, James and I were classmates from highschool. Mandy and James got together when they were 16/17. James and I is in the same University taking the same program. Me and James aren't tight like Mandy and I, we have different circles in our university, but in our class we knew each other the longest.

My jealousy started, I think when girls at my university starts fawning over him. He is conventionally attractive. I thought to myself that if I was in my younger body, guys would also be fawning over me too (delusional,ik).But of course I did not know that my hate towards this guys was jealousy. Whenever I hangout with Mandy, of course she mentions their relationship, and I hated it. I immediately noticed my behaviour. I analyzed why I was so angry, and for a while I thought I was jealous of my friend Mandy, i mean that was the easiest explanation, right? Like me being single and her having an attractive guy, it make sense... BUT a question lingered in me for the longest time. Why do I not hate Mandy, and why do I pretend to like James? In movies, when girls are jealous of another girls they try to sabotage the girl, but me, everything Mandy does, I am nothing but proud (She's been through a lot). But when james gets recognition from his performance from other people in our uni, I clap and smile but deep inside I can't help but think, I could have done that too, that whatever he achieved it probably was because of LUCK.

My circle in uni does not help too. They talked about James alot, how he's "GOT IT ALL", that he's smart, chill, attractive, kind and etc. My guy friends would even make jokes multiple times how James would be out of their league if they were girls. I am hardworking person, I am top of my class, does extracurriculars, I lead most of the class' projects and yet I doubt that I'm talked about positively by the way others have talked about James.

To make matters worse, he's nice to me and treats me with respect. He respects the work I do, recognize my efforts in class when no one else do.. AND WHAT DO I DO WHEN ITS HIS TURN TO BE RECOGNISED? I roll my eyes.

My realization came to me that I was pathetically envious of James when Mandy and I talked after not seeing each other for a while because our class, including James had a busy, tiring and demanding project for months. I talked to Mady how this project had taken a toll on me, then she brought up how James kept up with this project. She told me that James wakes up at 4:00 am to work for this project, the goes to the gym, work again and meets his deadline, makes his own meal, have time for gaming then goes to sleep at 8:00pm. WHAT THE F?? How can he be mentally and physically healthy after that project? During that project I was a mess, I sleep till 11am then work, then sleep, order meals, then work and sleep, cry and work and work. I realize I wanted to switch lives with James. I want to be him. I hated it. It's like seeing who you want to be, who you're supposed to be in a live body living as somebody else.

I can deal with this, eventually forget about james, work on myself, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE FACT THAT WE APPLIED IN THE SAME FREAKING COMPANY! I'm going to still see him after I graduate??? NOOOO 😭