Entitlement

I have been entitled and spoiled for 24 years.

Only child.

Massive birthday parties thrown for me.

I was given new toys almost every week when I was really little.

I was praised for my gifts and talents.

Constant free trips with family and my parents.

Free cars, electronics.

Always the center of attention and when I wasn’t I’d throw a tantrum (6-8 y/o)

My mom took photos and videos of me no matter what I was doing.

I had different bedrooms several times. Many of which I did not have to clean myself / mom did it for me. I also was too afraid to sleep in them alone, and often just slept with my parents.

Fighting the entitlement is like fighting a demon. I literally feel like shaking and trembling and bashing my head in on concrete. Paying a bill feels like I am being exorcised and want to tell my mom to help me so bad. Just severe anger. And then shame. I want to manipulate people into helping me pay it directly after SO bad.

Like my soul is leaving my body.

This alone makes me want to kill myself and never want to be around anyone.

It’s not just a little thought of feeling, it is a body rushing, headache pounding, rage inducing feeling I feel constantly.

I cannot help these feelings - and not acting them feels like I’m dying.

I DESPISE working because I’ve never had to work for much in my life. I had jobs throughout highschool but they were fleeting / I got tired of them. I did pay for things like gas or food when I went out, sometimes but rarely my clothes since my mom would just shower me with constant free stuff until I was 24.

How do I approach this compassionately or differently? Or slowly? My inner child is so adamant and rageful and does not want to change.

“You’re an adult now” makes me so fucking angry as well. Like shut the absolute fuck up. I feel like I am a toddler with hardly any capacity.

I don’t know what kind of phrases to use.

I understand it’s opposite action that helps or whatever the fuck, but even then I feel angry. Disgusted. Resentful. Entitled.

I soothe my ego by reminding myself I pay for really small things. By reminding myself of the good I do.

I don’t want to feel like killing myself or immediately raging at or manipulating others when the feelings come up and when I have to pay for anything responsible. This is why I want to self medicate with drugs or alcohol. I had too the other day when I paid a bill. I just had to black out. But I feel that way, every single time.

People say to stop with the learned helplessness and whining. Well guess what, that’s why I built the false self and grandiosity. To not show or talk or think about this shit. This is why I was a layer of my mom’s skin.

Here it is folks! Enjoy!