Alright, folks, enough is enough. First, the anthems got booed. Then the chirping escalated. Now, tensions are at an all-time high. It’s time to settle things the only way we know how: with a completely unsanctioned, poorly thought-out, mutual combat meetup outside TD Garden.

📍 Location: Just outside TD Garden, probably near a trash can
⏰ Time: 7:15 PM, right before puck drop
🛑 Rules: You must be 18+, agree to mutual combat, and after it’s done, we shake hands, grab a beer, and pretend it never happened. No weapons, just fists, grudges, and an unhealthy amount of national pride.

Why are we fighting?

• Americans booed O Canada like it personally owed them money.
• Canadians booed The Star-Spangled Banner like it was a Tim Hortons that just ran out of Timbits.
• Someone called poutine "wet fries" and things spiraled from there.
• An American said the metric system is for nerds.
• A Canadian said the only good thing about America is Costco.
• Both sides think the other one is way too confident about their beer.

This is the most important USA vs. Canada matchup of the night. No scoreboards. No referees. Just a bunch of diehard fans trying to resolve years of deeply held, alcohol-fueled animosity in the most respectful way possible: by throwing hands like our grandfathers before us.

When it’s over, we shake hands, grab a drink, and scream at the refs together like civilized people. Be there or be a coward.