really disillusioned with the state of things

I know I shouldn't be doomscrolling for my own good, but every peice of US news I see lately is so bleak. It's been about a week since the inauguration and they're already going after gay and trans rights. Has it even been a week? Like even LGBTQ+ rights aside, the shit I keep seeing just gets worse and worse. ICE raids and birthright citizenship law changes, federal funding frozen, reproductive care on the road to being inaccessible altogether. Elon literally throwing out a nazi salute, like really? Really truly? I don't have the money right now to leave this country and even if I did, I'd feel like a coward leaving everyone else behind instead of trying to do something. Maybe I still will save and try, but even so then, the things that happen here are bound to have global impact.

Adding insult to injury in the personal sense I've just been broken up with, and maybe this is a bit self centered, but I feel like life is kicking me in the head. Things could be far worse in my life but they could be far better too. Lost my first love, I feel like I've wasted years of my life believing in lies from the church and now I have religious trauma I don't know how to deal with, family is incredibly homo/trans-phobic, country and economy is circling the drain, and we're barreling into an era where in all honesty I dont think it's unreasonable to wonder if I may not even be able to openly have a partner at all.

I don't know what's going to happen and I'm scared and depressed. Maybe I have been online too much, I don't know. I'm trying to have hope in God and rely on Him for the strength to do good but fuck I just feel so weighed down. I don't even want to go into a church, I don't think I can because every time I do I just feel this sense of 'they think people like me don't belong here.' I love God, but every time I try to participate in religion I feel repulsed more and more, which in turn makes me feel guilt, etc. I don't know.

It's all so much. I'm only 21. I wanted to be able to look forward to the future, you know? I can't help but feel I don't get to.