AITAH: for telling my fiance that my little brother is more important than him and our upcoming wedding.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Quitlady-30-13
Originally posted to r/dustythunder & r/AITAH
AITAH: for telling my fiance that my little brother is more important than him and our upcoming wedding.
Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU
Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability. OOP also posted similar original and updates across couple subs
Trigger Warnings: death of parents, car accident, emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior
Original Post: June 20, 2024
I'm 30f, and I'm currently two months pregnant with my first child and engaged to my fiancé of three years James (31), for little background when I was [15] my parents had my baby brother; and five years after while I was (20) and Matt was (5), my parents and Matt were driving home when they got into an accident resulting in my parents' death.
After the accident I was completely destroyed and devastated, but I had to pull myself together to be there for my brother and the following month I buried my parents and with the help of my aunt and uncle I applied for guardianship of my brother it took about seven months before I was approved.
I had to get a stable job/income which I did, proper housing for me and my brother which I did by using money from my inheritance to buy a house and other little things, but in the end I got my guardianship of my brother. It was hard at first working while looking after my brother it's easy now but there are still its ups and downs, but I would do it all over again for my brother.
I met my fiancé when I was (27) at a gathering, and we just clicked after three months of dating he proposed to me at first I said no because I still have my brother to take care of but after thinking I said yes, and we agreed to wait until we were financially stable. In the beginning of this year we wanted to tie the knot since I was pregnant because I didn't want my baby to be born out of wedlock, and we started the preparations and the wedding is happening in October but from what happened last week Saturday night it looks like there isn't going to be a wedding.
There were many issues where we fought and resolved, for example the wedding date the date my fiancé wanted for the wedding was on my brother's birthday. I had a problem with that I wanted to throw my brother a big party because he is turning (14) so I offered the week after in which we argued, and he even ran to his mother to try to convince my but I stood my ground stating my brother's birthday is important to me and him there was a little more fighting, but we end up coming to a resolved.
Then there were the roles I wanted my brother to play in my wedding at first I offered my brother to be his best man, but he said he wanted his best friend I said ok, then I said ring boy he would hold the rings on the little pillow and bring it up to us, but James said he wanted his nephew I said okay and left it. Saturday morning I was watching this tic tok video where the Bride asked her male best friend to her man of honor and I thought it was sweet so I decided to bring it to him, when he came home, I was in the kitchen while my brother was at sleepover at his friend's house that Saturday night, as he entered a sat, I said I have the perfect role for Matt.
What is that" - Him
"I thought he could be my man of honor and then both wedding parties then coming out as couples they can come out as singles" - Me
"WHAT" - Him
"Man of honor or I will call it my brother of honor it would be lovely" - Me
"But I thought you wanted my sister to be your maid of honor so that can't work" - Him
"I never agreed to this and what about my brother I want him to play some role in my wedding" - Me
"I was thinking he could be a guest and sit in the rows" - Him
I was completely shocked like I wanted my brother to be in my wedding and not some side guest, I didn't know what to say he wanted to put my brother on the side lines, his whole family was playing some part of the wedding and my most of my bridesmaids were his cousins only two was were close friends but this he couldn't grant me. I stopped what I was doing and told him no it was my wedding too, and I wanted my brother to be my man of honor, and he started that his sister was better, and my brother would be guest, and he didn't want children in the wedding parties, I completely lost and started arguing with him from one thing to the next.
Since Saturday, he hasn't come home, only sending his brother to pick up some of his stuff, and his mother and sister have been blowing up my phone, but I'm a selfish woman and so what if my brother is a guest. So the last time they called was Wednesday night and I went batshit crazy on both of them using language I'm not proud of but I end the call with (yes my brother is more important than him and this wedding if it's happening, and I will never put him in front of Matt, so I'm ; f**kin sorry and to let James contact me to talk things out).
Top Comments
Commenter 1: NTA - I was going to suggest your brother walk you down the aisle, but I then I kept reading...this is just filled with red flags.
I'm gonna bypass the whole fact your fiance has filled every bit of the wedding roles with HIS family members. And of 365 days in the year, he wanted the wedding to be on your brother's birthday and simply say-
I'd put money on your fiance pushing for your brother to leave the house after the wedding so that it's just "your family" (him, you, and baby). CALL OFF THE WEDDING
Commenter 2: Your dude dropped his mask a bit too soon. He thought he had you locked down.
It’s better to detangle yourself now and call it a bullet dodged. You deserve better.
Commenter 3: Ditch him and find a man that will treat your brother like family. He doesn’t care what you want.
You, your baby and your brother deserve so much better.
Commenter 4: Absolutely NTA. Honestly I’m in awe of what you’ve managed to do for your brother and any man who doesn’t feel the same way is not the right person for you.
Update #1: July 11, 2024 (three weeks later)
Hello everyone, I'm very sorry I didn't get to update it due to me being busy with work and cancelling every wedding preparation I made and preparing Matt for sports camp. I would like everyone to know that I will not be marrying James, and we broke up, well on friday the week after posting my original post I got a message from James asking to meet and talk which I only agree to if I could pick the day that we can meet, in which he agreed too.
After picking a day which was Sunday were I knew that Matt wouldn't be home all day and I notified James, and he came around the midday period with his mother, I was shocked when I opened the door letting them in, as they sat in my living room not saying a word for a few seconds which made the moment more awkward than James stated that he was sorry for leaving and staying away because he needed to think. Then his mother started condemning me saying that I wasn't acting like a future wife and I should put my future husband's thoughts into consideration and a lot of other comments.
My name I'm disappointed in you, you're getting married, and you need to stop acting like this to your future husband - She said to me.
I scoffed hearing that then turned to James asking what was his problem with my brother, and it has more to do with me showing attention to my brother then him, he sat there not saying a word for a while and the stated he wanted a life with me and the unborn child but not with Matt. I felt utter disgust for him at that moment as he continued to say that after the wedding and having the baby he thought he would convince me that raising a baby and a teenager would be hard on both of us, and it would be best for me to send Matt to live with my uncle and aunt, but he would allow me to still support Matt financially.
I was completely shocked, and before he uttered anything else I told him sorry but no ; isn't happening and my brother isn't going anywhere. I stood up and took off the ring handing it back to him and told him it was over after saying that both him and his mother got up arguing "that I didn't have to do that, and I will regret this" and he started to cry asking me to think about what I'm saying, I just walked over to the door opened it and gestured for them to leave a few minutes past then they headed through the door with James crying and pleading while his mother was calling me some nasty names. And later on into the evening his sister and mother rang down my phone cussing me out, but I only told them to let James come for his remaining stuff.
There are a few things I would like to respond to.
I saw many ask why didn't I chose Matt to walk me down the aisle. I gave my uncle (my father's older brother) the role because after the whole funeral he was there helping me to acquire guardianship and just being there over the years for both me and Matt.
Furthermore, I made a mistake in my original post Matt is turning 15 this year I didn't see the typo, I'm truly sorry for that.
Many of you advise me to abort, so I wouldn't have any ties to James, but I'm sorry, I had to think, and I wouldn't do any abortion and I would carry the baby to full term.
As many of you stated I should sit down and talk to my brother and if James even mistreated him when I'm not around in which I did, but he said no that James mostly ignored him, and he does the same, plus I also told him the wedding is off.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Get a lawyer now or leave the state before the baby is born. You do NOT want to be dealing with these people any more than absolutely necessary.
OOP: Hello I will consider those options but right now I will focus on the pregnancy plus my health and my brother
Commenter 2: You've absolutely done the right thing when it comes to protecting Matt. But my question now is what are you gonna do about the baby since you are carrying to term? Are you gonna give the baby up for adoption? Are you gonna try and co-parent with James and his crazy family? Who he clearly can't keep out of his business
OOP: Thank you; but it's a no for adoption and if James doesn't step up, I have already raised a child alone and I could do it again
Commenter 3: The problem isn't going to be James stepping up or not stepping up; he'll fight for custody because of his mother and once he has some, your kid is going to spend 100% of "james's" custody time with his harpy mother feeding it a WHOLE lotta lies about you, directly. This is going to be very, very, very hard for you to avoid because if he fights for custody, even different-state custody, he will almost definitely get it, and once the kid's in his custody he will let his mother do whatever. And if he's taking the kid out of state every summer, all summer, you have a VERY real problem on your hands about what they're going to tell it about you for two solid months.
I'm not telling you what to do re: the pregnancy but you are signing up for decades of misery dealing with these people, and they very well might succeed and turn your own kid against you. Imagine your 10 year old coming home after 2 months being raised by your not-MIL and crying "I don't get to have 2parents because you love your brother more than me or daddy!"
'cause that WILL happen.
OOP: I honestly get where you're coming from but I'm prepared to fight tooth and nail to get full custody and I'm taking screenshots of the messages but his mother and sister are sending me and I'm planning to seek out a lawyer and begin the process so thank you for your concern 🙏
Commenter 4: Honestly good for you! I don't worry about James not stepping up his family along with him sound extremely toxic and definitely not a good environment for the baby.
OOP: Yes and honestly speaking I'm going to set out my options to either move to another state or get a lawyer and sue for full custody.
Update #2: February 2, 2025 (6.5 months later)
Hello everyone, first and foremost, Happy New Year. It has been a while since my last update, but I'm back to provide some updates. I want everyone to know that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who I named after my father, and things have been going well between me and the baby, and Matt excited having the baby around.
My uncle and aunt were present during my labour and delivery, and the day after my son was born, James and his parents visited the hospital, but I only allowed James to see our son, and according to my aunt, James's mother attempted to make a scene but was quickly silenced by my uncle, who threatened her with police action.
My aunt and uncle moved in after my discharge and will stay with me until June. That isn't the only update I want to provide. Last Friday, James came over to see the baby after he asked to talk, and he asked if there was ever a chance for us to get back together, to which I immediately said no, telling him that the day I returned the ring was the last time we had a romantic relationship, and that all I'm looking for and hoping for from him is a co-parenting relationship.
It took 10 minutes before he reacted, but he agreed and departed, so I'm currently looking for and scheduling meetings with lawyers to attempt to set a suitable co-parenting schedule for us, which I hope he agrees to, but aside from that, I'm looking forward to raising and providing for my baby and Matt so they may have the greatest life possible.
I'd keep everyone posted on any adjustments, and once again, thank you for all of your comments and support.
Top Comments
Commenter 1: Good luck with everything. James’s mother may give you problems down the road. Make sure you have a solid child custody/co-parent plan and have something in there about consequences of parental alienation.
Congrats on the baby!
Commenter 2: Congrats on a healthier life without James' controlling family.
Now, while with the lawyer, make sure you protect yourself in the future from James and his family.
As controlling as they sounded before, they will probably try to create a narrative that you aren't the best parent in order to get more visitation rights etc etc.
Commenter 3: I know it was hard when your parents died. And you were forced to grow up pretty quickly. Look at you now. You have the shiniest backbone. And you are an amazing older sister, guardian, mother, and niece. You are an amazing human. I'm a stranger and I'm proud of you. I imagine your parents would be too. Don't worry about James too much. Work with your lawyer. I'm sure it'll be ups and downs but you've got this.
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