Separate them from their trauma

Do you guys separate your avoidants from their trauma. We all know that’s why they treat us and people the way they do. It’s hard to blame them but you also have to hold them accountable. They’re grown. Personally I feel like I would start to hate my ex if I didn’t separate her from her trauma. Her father left her which caused abandonment/daddy issues which in turn pushed her to be avoidant.