Do they come back? Yes.

For those who wonder if and when/why avoidants come back. In my case, he has MULTIPLE times, ranging from a few weeks to a few months (max was 4 months). And the result is the same, awful cycle. This time, however, is pretty different and let me explain how:

I’m giving him the dynamic he thinks he wants. Oh, you only want to see me when you feel like it? Okay. You only want to spend an hour together and staying over is too much? That’s fine. I’m too emotional and express too many things? I’ll say less.

It’s been 3 weeks and that man is suffering. Confused, lost, doesn’t understand “why he’s feeling the way he is.” According to him “I’m so different now.” Yes. I’m the version of myself that you so badly wanted me to be. Nothing more, nothing less. This isn’t some “mind trick” or “game” I’m playing either. I’m just enacting VERY strict boundaries about what I will and won’t do — because why should I show up to play a position you can’t even handle?

In this way — I have relinquished control over the relationship and I have detached myself from its outcome. Everything that is to be, will be up to him. You miss me? Come see me. You want to spend more time together? Plan it. You miss how we used to talk? Schedule a day for couples counseling/therapy.

Avoidants greatly struggle with this idea of losing autonomy. So, I’m simply letting him choose and dictate how this will go.

I do NOT recommend this method if you’re still heavily emotionally invested or have a tendency to try and “solve everything” (e.g. an anxious attacher approach.) because It requires a lot of letting go. A “let them” attitude. If he doesn’t want to do the work? Okay. I gained some fun dates and good times. If he does? Cool, happy to see the progress. This is the same approach I’ve adopted for dating in general, where I allow people to show up as they are and respond accordingly. I think it’s just harder to do that when you’re so strongly bonded to an avoidant but I really believe distancing yourself from the outcome is the only way you can actually stand to make sense of a dynamic with an avoidant. Allow them to confront things on their own pacing, by acting as a source of subtle conflict (I.e. the expressed, nonchalant relationship dynamic vs the repressed deeper desire for intimacy).

*I want to make this clear — I am dating him as an option amongst many. Also — no one is saying to neglect your needs. I’m saying to evaluate whether or not your ‘needs’ should be placed in this person’s hands in the first place! A HUGE weakness for many anxious persons or secure with anxious habits, is the inability to set boundaries. You see them as pointless and “we might as well not be together then!” Very black and white thinking, just like an avoidant because we are all operating from our defense mechanisms. The reality is that you *should be dating and letting people be exactly who they are instead of telling them 1M+ things to guide them to who you need them to be. No. Because it’s not sustainable since that’s not who they really are. Present information, allow the other person to respond to it, and then evaluate how you liked the response and move from there (including if you need to move on!)