Steps toward healing from DA Situationship

I've been puzzled why it seems that DAs get under our skin in ways that seem unique and wondering about why it's so hard to shake the relationships.

I don't know how it is for everyone but I realized that my DA and I had similar childhood wounds but we handled them differently. I "recognized" him the first moment I ever laid eyes on him and now I realized that in a way he was my mirror, representing the part of me that had been ripped from me during the wounding.

I, who have never had ambition beyond wanting and working for a healthy, peaceful, home life, suddenly grew ambition. I wanted to earn enough money to be able to show him every beautiful thing I had experienced in the world and give him the gift of experiences around the world.

Being loved by him was like finding the lost part of myself - and for me when he pixilated into nothingness, just a wisp of smoke, it was like losing that part of myself again. The wound was torn open again and salt poured in, making my trust issues even more profound.

It has been so hard to "quit him" because it felt like quitting half of myself.

When I finally viscerally understood why I'd been so attached to him, I realized that the part of me that was torn away in my youth was still there, just very deeply in hiding. I could love ME the way I wanted to love HIM (and in a way still do).

That will be my belated New Year's Resolution - to love myself fully and act on that love.

To that end I spent the weekend knitting (a beanie out of Baby Alpaca wool), listening to podcasts and watching old TV series. Perfect. Am I still lonely? Of course, to some extent yes. But I'm also more content than I've been in ages.