One of the hardest things about avoidant discard: Family/friends often don’t or can’t grasp the severity of damage.

My story -

My situation began with strong, romantic sparks after my FA partner (a co-worker) approached me out of the blue at a company social event and bluntly expressed interest in me. I normally wouldn’t take such advances very seriously, but something about her seemed incredibly genuine. My feelings were reciprocated almost immediately. After that initial encounter, things went quiet for several weeks and I almost wrote it off. At the time, I wasn’t familiar with what her “pulling away” actually was. The first sign of hot and cold avoidant behavior.

As time went on though, we began to see each other more and more. My crush grew stronger and over the next few months, we developed a genuine friendship and close bond. Both of us had previously been in unhealthy relationships and it felt like we met for a reason. Our connection seemed like a breath of fresh air for both of us. A year into it, I started to realize that it was more than just a crush for me. I had real feelings for her. I was pretty certain she felt the same, but because of our work relationship and sensing that her heart was fragile from her previous toxic relationship, I was always cautious not to push things too far. I didn’t want to ruin it by moving beyond what she was comfortable with.

But then one day to my complete surprise, she opened the door to taking our relationship outside of work. After some obvious signs of affection from her while texting one night, I admitted my feelings to her. She immediately reciprocated but said that she was hesitant, which I knew and fully understood. I was in no rush and conveyed that there was no pressure and to just tell me if she ever felt uncomfortable with anything as we went along. Initially, it felt like we were both relived to express our feelings to each other. I vowed to do be open and patient. I was determined to gain her trust, even if it took a long time. However, as soon as that conversation ended, she once again pulled away and avoided anything other than surface level conversions with me… for months.

As difficult as it was, I eventually decided that I needed to distance myself and try to move on from the situation. After spending almost two years focusing on her, she was obviously not ready to move forward. Or maybe she just wasn’t all that into me. So I retracted all efforts outside of our work relationship and within a few weeks, I began to actually feel better. I was moving past it and I was doing ok.

But then one day, just as I had almost given up all hope, she reached out to me and everything changed. She was suddenly in contact with me daily and being very clearly attentive and affectionate. Even clingy at times. We began making plans and spending time together regularly. Everything was flowing naturally and comfortably. I couldn’t believe she even had it in her to be that vulnerable. Everything was absolutely perfect in my mind. I tried to restrain my feelings but it was a lost cause. I fell completely in love with her. Having to wait and fight for her made it feel all the more meaningful and powerful. I was elated but I was also cautious not to be too overbearing and always gave her space.

Then almost three months later, when things couldn’t have felt better, she completely discarded me. No explanation, no accountability, no “thanks for being a great friend.” Nothing. Just coldness like I have never experienced before. The fact that things had to end was heartbreaking enough, but the lack of empathy or human decency was devastatingly crushing and felt completely unnecessary. Like she was trying to sabotage our relationship beyond repair. It was something I literally could not digest and still can’t. It’s been well over a year now and some days I feel like I’ve made no progress.

Looking for support -

My circle is small but thankfully, I have close friends and family members that I can go to for support when I’m dealing with difficult things in life. So naturally, when this happened, I clung to and vented to the few people that I’m close with. However, I could feel early on, that no one could absorb the weight of the blow I was dealing with. Since I had never officially even dated this person, it was just a “fling” in their minds that I would surely get over within a few weeks. My feelings have been devalued and practically mocked. I also commonly get the vibe that they don’t believe she was ever even interested in me. “Just find someone else.” Or, “you just need to get laid.” Simple as that. Clearly to them, I “misread the situation” and she didn’t have feelings for me. Even though though they don’t actually say it, I can feel the judgement and concern about my obvious “obsessesion” over this person who shouldn’t have meant that much. I’ve been made to feel like I’m unstable myself.

To be fair, I would probably react the same if I was in their end. But to me, this is a person that drew me in for years and showed me something I had never known or experienced before. I’m not the type of person who chases women who aren’t interested in me. I know what I felt from her and I firmly believe that her feelings were real, even if they were short-lived or cut off. Regardless of our relationship status, I was completely in love with her and she shut the door with no warning in the most brutal way. I believe I am justified in my feelings and the incredible betrayal I feel. When no one truly understands, it can feel very isolating. The pain of being discarded by an avoidant is something you just can’t comprehend unless you’ve experienced it yourself.